Learning Your Self-Love Language

Self-love gets a bad rap.

Mostly because the word love gets so overused. Particularly in contexts where it means so many things that have so little to do with the conscious, unconditional acceptance that self-love is all about.

For those of us with a tendency to over-give to others while taking only crumbs in return (see our May newsletter on self-worth), understanding, embracing and practicing self-love can be transformative. It increases confidence to pursue passions without fear of judgement, helps prioritize mental, emotional and physical wellness, and ultimately attracts healthier, more genuine connections with others.

The Five Love Languages, originally designed to enrich interpersonal relationships, offers an elegant guide to nurturing the most important relationship of all: the one we have with our self.

Here are some sneaky styles of self-sabotage you may recognize, together with considerations for how to shift into a more self-loving perspective using the five languages of love.

Words of Affirmation

People pleasing is common for sensitive souls in part because it’s painful to disappoint folks we care about. We can be quick to judge ourselves for saying “no”, even when saying “yes” depletes us. Those tough inner judgements might come easily, but you’d never unleash that harshness on someone else, right?

Self-talk is a potent practice, particularly when you use those magical powers for good.

Start with simple statements spoken out loud (because that activates the alchemy of sound vibration for the brain), even if you find it awkward at first. Try things like, “It’s okay.” “You’ve got this.” “I believe in you.”

Speaking self-love to yourself by letting yourself off the hook when things go sideways, setting clear boundaries, offering yourself reassurance during difficult moments or celebrating even the smallest achievements, all fuels the way your inner dialogue shapes your self-perception, daily experiences and relationships.

Acts of Service

Lending a helping hand is a delightful way to show care and affection. But neglecting your own needs while prioritizing others is unsustainable.

Putting your own needs first – treating yourself with kindness and consideration, helps avoid burnout and actually makes you better able to support others in the long-term, while also giving them permission to do the same.

This can include slowing down for some gentle self-care, organizing your creative space in a way that really supports you, or preparing a healthy, tasty snack to enjoy. It might also involve taking the necessary time to clearly communicate your preferences to others, or teaching them how you like certain things done at work or at home.

Quality Time

Busy-ness – filling our schedule with obligations, is such a tricky thing, because it can feel so satisfying (almost heroic!) to tick the boxes and get stuff done. And yet. Sooner or later, without also filling our deeper needs, that sense of emptiness ensues.

Time-in from a self-love perspective is all about personal rejuvenation.

Part of the challenge with this is that we’re often not even clear about what personal renewal really looks like for us, particularly if we’ve been oriented to constantly caring for others first.

So, start by considering what it means for you to spend uninterrupted time filling your cup. Maybe it’s reading, movement, meditation, crafting, doing sacred ritual or going on adventures. Then consider how often and for how long you require time just for you, and commit to that, as a definitive act of self-love.

Physical Touch

The nature of this Self-Love Language can be captured by considering how you approach your body’s care: dismiss / delay; efficient / no-frills; generous / sometimes indulgent.

Treating the body as an inconveniently needy but necessary vessel for carrying around our mind typically leads to pushing her needs aside. Acknowledging the innate beauty of our body, even strictly as a technological marvel, and accepting its uniqueness, reinforces the connection between our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical self.

So, take that warm bath, receive that foot rub, savour that treat, or simply hug yourself more often. You and your beautiful body deserve all the love.

Receiving Gifts

We live in a world that values the material over the spiritual. Which can leave soulful folks like us feeling bereft, grieving a more magical way of being with ourselves and eachother. We truly suffer from society’s discount of the mystical in favour of the mundane, and often react by rejecting material wealth, seeking to right the imbalance.

But pushing away earthly things doesn’t work very well. It only serves to deprive us of this wonderful language of gift-giving, and the feelings of gratitude that accompany the sacred act of receiving.

Rather than forcing a choice between one or the other way of being, perhaps what is wanted is a more integrative approach. Instead of feeling guilty about spending on yourself, or thinking you don’t deserve something special, practice receiving the gift with deep appreciation.

Giving gifts to yourself can be extravagant, but it doesn’t have to be. Consider all the small things that bring you joy, like your favourite morning drink, extra time to daydream, some special self-care, or a token to remember a meaningful event.

By practicing gentle, nonjudgmental awareness of the subtle ways we undermine ourselves and gently applying the self-love languages that feel most supportive, we can cultivate a deeper, more compassionate relationship with our self, that truly honours our divine nature.

For more support on your journey back to self-love, check out our free Astro-Clearing Circle resources and our inspiring monthly InnerWisdom Circles.