In Control, Not Controlling

In last month’s InnerWisdom Circle, Joy Caffrey guided us through some beautiful exercises to address our Inner Saboteurs and increase the capacities of our Inner Sage [link to the free assessment we used below].

The Controller, one of nine common Saboteurs we all entertain, is characterized by high anxiety, and impatience or alarm when situations go sideways. It may have served us well when we were young, caught in chaotic circumstances where we felt hurt or rejected. But as adults, when we’re stuck in a single-minded vision of what success has to look like, or trapped by the belief that if we just try harder everything will go our way, our Controller has the reins.

Being controlling can undermine the harmony in our relationships, or cost us our own inner peace because of the stress it generates. But having control — of our own actions, emotions and responses, is both desirable and necessary for living a conscious life.

As with most of the work we do, finding that balance begins within. Here are some ways we can identify and shift that controlling form of self-sabotage into more self-supporting behaviours.

Self-Care

When we doubt our ability to make the ‘right’ decision, take the best action or follow-through to success, the Controller might try to come to our rescue.

Instead: regain a sense of personal power by focusing on meeting your own needs at a deep level, cultivating vitality and building the specific skills you’ll need to manifest your vision.

Perspective

When we react to mistakes by shaming others or ourselves, the Controller may try to double-down to justify our point of view or push our agenda harder.

Instead: remember that rejection is redirection and the universe is designed for you to thrive. Clarify your intention and course correct your implementation, staying flexible in the face of blocks, barriers or delays.

Boundaries

Regularly saying yes when we want to say no can leave us feeling depleted and resentful, ripe for the Controller to jump in to make us feel better.

Instead: focus on making clear, balanced agreements that are win/ win for everyone involved so you can stay open-hearted while only taking care of what is truly your responsibility.

Inspiration

Compromising our true nature to fit-in invites the Controller to step up, take the lead and silence our more subtle and authentic creative voice.

Instead: take a stand for your uniqueness and embrace the discomfort of standing out as an opportunity for your soul’s growth.

Releasing our Saboteur behaviours in favour of our more balanced Inner Sage responses is a life-long practice best approached with patience and self-compassion.

Curious about how you self-sabotage?
Take the assessment here.